DIY Silent Retreat

Even a single day of silent retreat at home can be a very worthwhile experience. If you’ve never tried it before, you may learn a lot from it.

 

If you are living alone, it is a simple matter of arranging for avoiding exposure to new thoughts coming in from the world. This means staying home with no reading, writing, watching TV, listening to music, or surfing online. Of course, no answering the doorbell, either. The night before, disconnect your home phone and turn off all your electronic devices, and put away all the reading material. I think doing some art is fine, but other people think it better not to do that either. Try to spend time in meditation or silent contemplation. You may find that your mind gets very hungry for new input, and this phenomenon gives you plenty to observe and contemplate. It’s a good day to get caught up on ironing, or handwashing the dishes – both of which are excellent meditation practice if done mindfully and deliberately. Raking the yard and tidying the garden can also be a good activity, if you are able to do these things without risk of someone speaking to you or making eye contact.

If your partner is there, it can be very helpful if they are supportive. That means, above all, respecting the noble inner work you are doing, by not interacting with you: speaking, gesturing, or even making eye contact. If they want to watch something, they do it on their tablet device in a different room and using headphones. At all times it should be as if you are completely alone, even when they are in the room. If you want to make your breakfast toast, but they are standing in front of the toaster, you should not gesture for them to move out of the way, or try to squeeze past. You wait at some distance with your eyes lowered until the toaster becomes accessible. And you use that time to examine your expectation or attachment to getting toast on-demand. Hopefully they notice or anticipate your need of the toaster and stand somewhere else butter theirs. This anticipation by a supportive partner can be very helpful, and something worthwhile to talk about the next day. For example, you should not try to communicate in any way that you’d like a cup of afternoon tea. Maybe they bring one unbidden, maybe they don’t. In either case, it’s a great opportunity to look at your own desires and attachments, and the expectations that go along with it (attachment to how the world ought to be). And if they make your dinner (allowing you to continue your meditation uninterrupted into the evening), you don’t try to communicate your menu preferences or even gratefully acknowledge receipt of a plateful of food. You keep your eyes down and eat whatever appears in front of you.

It’s best of all if they decide to try a silent day at the same time as you. Then the intuition and careful considerateness of the other person become even more supportive. You should not discuss or plan the day before. Just let it emerge. Each person simply strives not to impose themselves on the other, and to do their very best to support and respect the other’s silent inner work. In practical terms, this means staying alert to notice what needs to be done for self or for the other, and then just quietly doing it. Maybe it is clearing the dishes. Maybe it is just supporting the meditation of the other by also sitting in the same room (but somewhere not distracting to the other). Maybe it is supporting the meditation of the other by leaving them in solitude for a while, and doing your own inner work somewhere else. Because of this level of intuitive support and trust in the other, it can be a great thing for couples to do to strengthen their relationship. But don’t forget that this is a side benefit, not the main purpose or goal. The goal is to make good use of this supportive environment to observe the patterns of your own mind, body, and emotions and to learn something about how you really operate, so that you can be a wiser and more skillful you going forward.

 

When you finally lay yourself down in bed that night, after spending a day not filling your mind with useless stuff, and spending a day not causing any trouble for anyone anywhere, it can be very fulfilling. Waking the next morning and deciding when to first speak again (and examining what is worth breaking your silence for) can also be an interesting experience. I don't want to tell you why. Find out for yourself!